Parents' Issues

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Saints Polyeuctus & Nearchus 

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A Catholic parent's distress:-

A Catholic parent contacted FFLAG (Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays - www.fflag.org.uk)

in the UK:

I have just found out my 18 year old son is gay. He is the youngest of my 3 children. His mother left us 4 years ago. I have always done all I could for my kids, and class myself as a good father. Now I feel I’ve let my son done in some way. I’ve told him I will support him and I will always love and be there when he needs me, but deep down I feel terrible. Is this normal? I come from an old fashioned Catholic family, and I know they think the world of my son. Just now, I feel so down.

                                                                                                                                      S.

He was referred on to Sue who coordinates Called To Be One – a phone network for Catholic parents of LGBT people (01642 465 020) – here’s her reply:

Hi S.

I have just been passed your e-mail by FFLAG. I am also a member of FFLAG and, like you, my husband and I have 3 sons. 2 of our sons are gay, our eldest and our youngest. P. and I practice our faith as Catholics and like you we have shared every emotion possible regarding our gay sons.

Let me tell you straightaway, S, that everything you are feeling at the moment is quite normal. You have been told something that has shocked you, probably from a bit of fear for the future for your son, and how people will treat him. I hope your son is fine about his sexuality. Our 2 boys are, and I think that part of them being fine is that we have never doubted them and always loved them unconditionally, just as you are doing.

Sexuality and the Church have never been good bedfellows (excuse the pun), and I doubt if they ever will be completely, but things are progressing slowly. There is an organisation in London, the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement which is trying to work with the Churches on behalf of L & G and transgendered people, and although the journey is hard, they keep trying.

P. and  I have never questioned our sons’ sexuality. We have just accepted it because we believe our boys were born with the sexuality they have and we do not judge them. Both of them have left the Church because they do not feel welcome, which I can understand, but P. and I both believe in a God that welcomes all, no matter what their sexuality. Some of what people in the Church say can be hurtful, but we have learned to put in context with our daily lives.

You say in your e-mail, S., that you feel you have let your son down. Why do you feel that way? Is that what your son thinks? Don’t be too hard on yourself. As long as your son knows that you love him and will always help him, you have not let him down. We have spoken to some parents, S., who have disowned their children, or made their lives unbearable because they cannot accept their sexuality. You do not sound as if you would do that.

It can be frightening for gay children to realise their sexuality with all the difficulties it can bring, and having a loving, supportive parent is important for them to accept themselves for what they are – normal people. Only one small part of our lives is different, S.; they choose to love same-sex people. Everything else is the same as for you and I. What you are feeling now may be what your son has been feeling for a long time.

P. and I have a telephone helpline, so if you want to have a talk please ring 01642 465 020 on an evening – just ask for Sue. If I am not around you can ring another time.

Can you talk to your son, S., about how you are feeling; it might help you both. There is a lot to learn about gay lifestyles and a lot to understand about their lives in today’s society. Let yourself learn about these things; the more you understand, the better it will be for you all.

You mention in your e-mail that you have a loving, supportive family around you. Is there anyone you can confide in, that you feel you can trust at this point? I hope so; if not we are always here for you.

When we told family and friends about our sons we got lots of love and understanding, but it was scary at times. There will always be someone who is negative, but you learn to cope with them after a while. They are mostly people who are misinformed, or who only see dogmatic faith. Times are changing and for the better, so hang in there, and just keep loving your son. Hope to hear from you again soon, S.

God Bless

Sue

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In the United States:-

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